Dear Sirs and Madams,
Boss is always ordering me to go collect hafta, beat up the hero, rape the heroine/hero’s sister. I do that for I am the ever loyal henchman. Of course, you seeing me in countless movies, television episodes getting shot, beaten up in the first few seconds of the fight scene. Have you ever wondering what goes through my mind when I am doing so bad things? After all I am human being too I also have dreams. May be I want to be the boss one day, or at least the right hand henchman who stays till the second last reel of the movie. I also having dreams of a high paying high flying carrier.
At last all of us, henchmen of dons, politicians, businessmen deciding to unite.We forming the All India Henchmen’s Association – (AIHA). The association progressing very well, thank you. We aiming to be the number 1 henchmen association in India. An example for the world I say, We had our first Annual General Body meeting last week.
I, as the secretary, hiring an outside consultant to come up with our list of demands. Mr. H. R. Mannan, the consultant coming up with following list which I cutting and pasting here.
Membership drive:
All the henchmen have to be registered with AIHA. Only registered members will be allowed to operate.
Career prospects:
Every employer has to provide a well defined career path for a prospective henchman.The following is an indication of how AIHA want this to be,
| Post Name | Experience (in years) |
| Associate Henchman | Entry Level |
| Assistant Henchman | 2 |
| Senior Assistant Henchman | 4 |
| Senior Henchman | >6 |
| Assistant to the RH Henchman | >8 |
| Senior Assistant to the RH Henchman | >10 |
| Right Hand henchman | >10 |
| Boss | any |
Standard Salary :
Salaries of all the henchmen at all the positions have to standardized we would like to provide recommendation in this matter, it is upto the organization to adopt this. The figures provided are the minimum required , anything less will not be acceptable
Death incentive:
It is widely acknowledged and proven that this is one of the most dangerous jobs in the world , we would like the organizations to adopt a life insurance policy for all the henchmen. Plus, there should be also be a lumpsum payment of 10 times the last month’s salary to the henchman’s immediate family.
Promotion:
A henchman may spend upto 3 years in a position. This can be relaxed for up to 5 years in case of ‘Senior Assistant to RH Henchman’ and ‘Right Hand Henchman’ posts (Please see the table above for more details.).
Firing or Quitting a job:
A henchman who has completed 2 years in the service of a boss is free to leave the organization without any hard feelings or fear or retribution giving at least 1 month’s notice. The organization is free fire a henchman at any time during his service for a notice period of at least 1 month.If they fire, as in literally fire him, then the above death incentive clause applies.
Risk Allowance:
An organization is bound to pay a risk allowance to a henchman for the type of service provided.
The allowances are detailed in the table below,
| Type of Risk | Allowance(in Indian Rupees) | Remarks |
| Killing a low level righteous man( the kind who are in the movie to get killed) | 2500 | |
| Fighting a middle level righteous man | 5000 – 10000 | Highest amount to be paid only if the murder provides motive to the hero. |
| Killing the immediate family members of the hero | 15000 | |
| Kidnapping the immediate family members of the hero | 20000 | Plus expenses can be claimed based on actuals if bills are provided |
| Raping the hero’s sister | 30000 | |
| Raping the heroine | 50000 | |
| A hit to the face | 1000 | |
| A gunshot which does not kill the henchman | 10000 | Plus medical bills must be reimbursed on the actuals |
These are our humble demands, please considering them otherwise further actions might be pursued.
If you not understanding any of the above, please let us know we will come back to you.
Thanking you,
Yours Sincerely,
Pakiya
Filed under: Humour, Uncategorized
